Sadness

Last night about 11:30 Kolby wanted some soup. I warmed her up some chicken noodle soup. About half way through she got sick and she threw up the whole thing. She was so miserable and upset. She cried so hard. She told me that she is so tired of being hungry. So tired of not being able to eat because of her sore throat and nausea. She says when she swallows it feels like knives going down her throat. She loves chocolate shakes and she cannot even swallow them. Believe me, we have tried everything. She also broke down so hard for the first time since she was told she had cancer. She said she had been thinking all day about how her life has changed so fast for the worse. She wonders why this is happening to her. She even let me hold her and cry with her. As I held her in my arms I could feel her bones, she is so skinny, she has no fat on her at all. She also said that she was so sad when her cousin, Drew, came over and was sunburned. Drew told her she had been swimming all day long. Kolby said that this made her so sad. She cried even harder. As I held her and cried with her, I didn't know what to say to comfort her. I told her she would be able to swim soon, and then she cried even harder because she said she would be bald. She told me that she wants to go swimming all day long and hang out and play with her friends. She told me she hates feeling so sick and she wants to feel better and get her old body and life back. She just cried and cried and cried. She is so sad. I just prayed to my Heavenly Father when I was holding her to ease her pain and give it to me. I told her of my plea and she told me that she would never want me to have this. She said she is young and can handle it more. I told Kolby that it was ok for her to cry. She cried, we cried for quite a while. I quietly tried to comfort her. I wanted her to cry as much as she could. Even though it breaks my heart to see and hear her cry, I know it is good for her. All day long she had been holding in thoughts and emotions. She is so quiet and private. I was thankful that she allowed me to be apart of such a vulnerable, personable and private moment. I told her that I admired her strength and faith. I told her that she reminded me of a few scripture stories of people who suffered so much and still remained faithful to the Lord. I told her that her strength will strengthen others. But I still told her that it is ok to cry and question. The Lord wants us to rely on him for strength. That is what the atonement is all about. Kolby told me that she would like her father to give her a father's blessing on comfort. That she needed to be comforted. It was 1:00 in the morning and I told her I would go get her dad. She said no that tomorrow would be fine. See here she is again, thinking of others and not herself. Kolby, you are an amazing and valiant young woman. You are a blessing in our lives. Even though you do not feel like you are right now. You are. You are a very special daughter of our Heavenly Father and I know that he has so much in store for you. This sickness and disease is just a short chapter in your amazing life. You will endure this, and you will come out of this a stronger and more compassionate woman. I am so thankful for our faith and knowledge of our eternal plan. It helps heal and explain why experiences like this happen. There's no real explanation, just that we were sent down here on earth to experience, learn, and gain as much knowledge as we can. Good and bad, sad and happy, pain and peace, sickness and health. We knew this before we came down and we still pleaded with the Lord to let us go. You knew this could possibly happen, and you told the Lord you could handle it. Although, I will never know what you are going through, as a mother, I am here for you. To give you that back massage that you love so much. To massage your feet and hands when your head is throbbing. I will try to ease your heavy load as much as I humanly can. And when that is not enough, we can turn to the Lord and ask him for comfort and strength. I love you Kolbsters. Thank you for being such a beautiful daughter. You have blessed my life more than you will every know.