4th of July Weekend

Kolby had a nice and quiet 4th of July weekend with family. Kolby wanted us to have matching T-shirts, so Kristi and I went to Old Navy and bought some. (Thanks Old Navy for the $5.00 sale :o) We took pictures while watching fireworks with the family. It doesn't matter how old my girls get, they still love watching the fireworks. I just love my family, and I am so thankful for moments like these.

In the hospital they used this scale to measure pain. For example, a 1 was feeling no pain, and a 10 was unbearable pain. So, I will scale this weekend. Kolby was at a "3" most of the time, and there were a few occasions where she was boarder lining a 10. I am learning a lot about Kolby lately. She is very quiet and reserved about her feelings. Whenever she is at a vulnerable moment, she quietly asks me to not write down that experience in her blog. There are so many experiences she has gone through that she wants to keep private. I understand her requests and I honor them. Watching Kolby go through this journey of cancer has it's ups and downs. Our family can laugh with Kolby as she makes little comments and jokes about having cancer and the physical side effects. She is becoming more and more comfortable with them. We look at Kolby and we see a beautiful young lady both physically and spiritually even with the side effects of the cancer and chemo. Surprisingly, Kolby does not complain too much about them. In fact, she will use the fact that she has cancer to benefit her at times. She really does have a sense of humor, she just hides it like a lot of her attributes. At one of her "10" moments she cried out in pain that she would never wish this cancer on anyone. Kolby truly is my hero. On a rare occasion, she will let me hold her for a long time, and last night was one of them. I tried not to cry with her. And surprisingly, I have the strength to hold it in. I know the Lord gives me the strength to endure this with Kolby. I am going to be selfish for a moment and talk about my feelings for a bit, not to take away from Kolby, but maybe one day a mom going through this same experience will be able to relate and find some comfort in my feelings. The past few days I haven't wanted to write on her blog. Emotionally I have felt drained, tired and a bit angry. Not knowing what to say. I requested that John write on her blog about the results of her scans. We read them over and over again. John, being the one who understands all the medical terminology explained things in "English" to me. He read the positive in the results, where I just focused on the negative. Funny, cause I am the more positive one. I admit, I was crushed. I wanted all the cancer to be gone, like the doctors had initially said it may be. So, even though it was a great thing that a lot of the tumors had shrunk, I wanted more. I wanted them to be all gone. I had a hard time reading the reports and realizing once again how cruel this cancer has been to her body, all throughout her body. I still question how this happened. When I look at Kolby she doesn't look like she has cancer. She can get herself all ready and it almost teases me when I see how great she looks. Especially this past week, when she has been doing so well. I know it is because she hasn't had to have chemo and the steroids. But still....I know if she didn't keep going back for treatments it would come back full force and eventually take her over. Oh how this breaks my heart down to my soul. My heart aches and is so heavy for my daughter. I wonder how the heck she got this cancer. It was so sneaky. It grew so fast inside her beautiful body. I didn't even know. It will forever haunt me wondering if it will come back down the road. I lay awake at night thinking and worrying about a lot of things. During the day I seem to be able to keep it together, especially in public. I am thankful I am strong that way. I am thankful for this blog. Thankful that my friends and family can read about Kolby's progress. I do not mind talking about Kolby, but it is nice that loved ones can read and already know how her day went without having to ask. I love it when people tell me they read her blog. I do not feel alone, like people really care and want to know how she is doing. It means so much to me that so many people care. It is a great support. I am a pretty strong person, but having this support has surprised me at how much it helps. I need it. More than I thought I would. I get tired and frustrated, and this helps me even if it is for only a few moments of relief.

As I sit here next to Kolby and write on her blog, I glance over and see her sleep. I wonder what kind of day she will have today? I hope and pray each morning, that she will wake up and have a smile on her face. That her spirits will be up and she will feel great and have no pain. It's Monday, a new week, and I count my blessings, thankful for a new day.....with Kolby!