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"Sad"

I had to go into work today and close out my classroom and check out. Kolby called me when she woke up. Just hearing her sweet but weak voice made me so sad. I started to cry. She cried. I told her how sorry I was that she was sick. This made us both cry. I thought about her all day, but I knew Kylie and Jeff were there to hang with her while I was away. I always try to keep a smile on my face. There' s nothing more terrible than seeing someone and dreading talking to them. So, no matter what, I always try to look positive and happy. I thank the Lord that he gave me a cheerful disposition. LOL But, on my way home I called and Kylie said that Kolby was crying and didn't feel good. She said her back really hurt and she felt sick. I felt so bad not being home with her. I hurried home and she was just laying on the couch, with Kylie next to her tickling her back. Kolby didn't even look up at me, and I just laid down next to her and rubbed her back and head. She feel asleep.

After a couple good days, I was hoping for a repeat today. I am thankful for those good days. As good as they get. Everyone who has gone through this experience has told me that it gets so much worse before it gets better. I cannot even listen to certain types of music right now, cause all it does is make me think of Kolby and I cry. I hate to ask why this is happening to her? She didn't do anything to deserve this. I know that bad things happen to people, good and bad. I do not believe that sickness is any type of punishment. I know that freak things happen. I have already lost two brothers and my youngest daughter, Kenzie. I know that horrible things can happen to good families. I have so many people tell me that this blog has given them strength. That the trials my my family have gone through have given them strength because they see us survive. What is surviving? Waking up each day and hoping for a better day? I know the sun rises each day no matter what. I remember my mother telling me that and I just had to breath. Breathe and know that life goes on, and so do we. I get a lot of strength from my mother. Even though she can make me mad sometimes. She is a strong woman. She had to bury two sons. And she still wears a smile on her face. Writing my feelings down helps. It's great therapy. I can get it out, and it's a little better. Am I mad that this is happening to Kolby.....heck yes. But I am more sad than mad. I know the Lord watches over her and we can rely on him for strength. I know that he gives us trials to see if we will turn to him for strength and comfort. He's hearing from me more these days. Every time I wake up at night I am praying for Kolby. My heart bleeds and aches for her. There's nothing I can do for her except to try to make her as comfortable as possible. I love you Kolby with my whole heart. You were the cutest and chubbiest baby. You never really required a lot of attention. You have always kept things in and never complained. You were always so quiet and never wanted to be the center of attention. The fact that you tried out to be a cheerleader shocked the whole family. But I am glad you did. You were a great example to the girls and you made so many friends. You are an example to me too. The fact that you have never cussed or seen an R rated movie is pretty amazing, especially in this world. You have high goals and want so much in life. I know you will accomplish all your goals. We have a lot to do this summer. We are going to have so much fun. And when you feel up to it, I will take you to the movies and out shopping. Anything Kolby, all you have to do is ask.
I love you!

Comments

  1. If only hindsight came first. Thank you for your example. SO sorry for your heartache, all of you, Kolby and all who love her. Hope becomes very much an action word. You are in our prayers.

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  2. Dana - you are doing a service to yourself, your daughter and to your family by honoring and allowing yourself to feel sad. It is so much more healthy than 'stuffing' and being 'fine' or 'strong' for everyone around you. You are suffeing and hurting and I want to honor you for your emotions and for your courage. I feel so humbled by your ability to truly endure. If you need to talk or need validation of any kind, I am here for you - or if you need help navigating life please let me know. I love you and your amazingly heroic daughter.

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