Very, Very Quiet Day

Kolby woke up this morning with more sores in her mouth. She now has blisters on her gums, cheeks and the inside of her lips. Her throat hurts just as bad. So I made her a fried egg. I thought I would put lots of love in her eggs this morning. When I showed her the heart eggs I made her it made her smile......SCORE!!! I always love seeing Kolby smile. She tried to eat it, but she couldn't. Instead, she slowly drank an Ensure with lots of ice in it.

Kolby is extra tired today. Again, she isn't talking that much. I got her to help me start making one of Kylie's gift we are giving her for her baby shower (can't tell yet, I know she'll read this and the surprise will be ruined). She helped me till she dozed off. I asked Kolby if she wanted to get out and see a movie tonight. I loved her response...it was a good one. She said she will go to the movies when she can eat her favorite candy. You know....you just can't go to the movies and not have your favorite candy. So, I can totally relate.

Kolby got up to go to the restroom and she complained that her leg hurt her really bad. I have to admit, when she complains about aches and pains it really freaks me out. It scares me literally to death. It reminds me of the pain in her back she had prior to her diagnosis. Her scan is this Wednesday to find out if the cancer is gone. If it isn't she will need to undergo a bone marrow transplant and she will have to continue the same chemo schedule as before. We sure hope and pray it is all gone and she will begin the 21 day chemo cycle. This past month has been a roller coaster of feelings. Poor Kolby has gone up and down with good days and bad. More bad than good. What kind of a summer is this for her? It's very hard for her family to see her suffer each day, and the suffering is even worse for Kolby. When I am at home with Kolby, I am in the "mom, caretaker mode" But when I leave the house and I get out, it really hits me what we are all going through. I am still in a state of shock that this has happened to Kolby. It breaks my heart. I walk around the stores and I think to myself, "my daughter has cancer!" That's all I think about. There are brief moments when it doesn't enter my mind. But that's it....my daughter has cancer and that is my whole life right now. I do not mean to sound selfish. The rest of my family feels the same way, it is just that I write on her blog. I not only speak for my self but for our whole family. It's our whole life and our every thought. Our whole lives revolve around Kolby and her care. I am not complaining....I am so thankful and blessed that I am able to be here with Kolby and take care of her. I would have it no other way. We sleep on the couch each night. I admit, I need to sleep by Kolby. When she does decide to go back to her room, I will be the one with separation anxiety.

The other day one of Kolby's elementary school friends, whom Kolby hasn't seen in years, sent Kolby a letter. It was such sweet, heart felt letter, that I just have to put it on her blog.

Dear Kolby,

I am stunned to hear about you sickness and I am so sorry that you have to go through this and I wish I would have known about this earlier. I know we haven't ever been close but I want you to know that I love you and will be praying for you and I would be more than happy to stop by if you're up to a visitor or even just to having someone sit with you. Whatever you need just ask.

You are so lucky to have close family and friends that love and care about and I know without a doubt that your Father in Heaven loves you more than all the love ever on the earth. He has prepared a way for you to go and do the things he has commanded and look your so great he even considering the fact that your to good to risk being in danger by the devil but at the same time he also knows you can handle it.

I know this letter isn't supper sugar coated but as you know life isn't but life is like a blow pop. You have to eat the yucky lollipop to get to the forever lasting bubble gum.

I know even though you were pretty reserved when we were younger that you are strong and can handle anything.

Call if you need something or someone and know that you are loved.

Love Kayla J. Helm

When Kolby receives letters like this, it lessens the pain, and she knows she is not enduring this trial alone. We know that life is a journey, and we are forever thankful that the Lord has blessed us with all of our family and friends to help us make it over the obstacles that come in our way. Thank you Kayla. You are a very sweet young lady, and you helped Kolby endure one more day in this journey of cancer!